My beautiful boy. There are really no words to express how much i miss you. I love you so much. It’s 4 weeks tomorrow since you left, and i still feel like i am in shock, i still feel like you could walk in the door and everything could return to normal. Everything was so complicated wasn’t it. All we wanted was an easy life and some peace, but you felt so torn i know you did. I forgive you for leaving me. I am just not sure who i am without you.
I want to see you, hold your hand, put my arms round you. Hear you say all your usual little things to me. I have voice notes on my phone that you left for me, and i want to listen to them but i am terrified if i hear your voice i will fall to pieces that i can’t put back together.
3 years and 10 months of loving you. I knew i loved you, i fell in love with you so quickly. And i know you did me, remember you sent me those wonderful songs by Parlor Mob. ‘Practice in Patience’ and ‘I want to see you’. The words meant so much. You literally bowled me over with what you were saying to me. I never believed someone like you could love someone like me, but i knew then that you really did. It was the most wonderful feeling being loved by you. Genuine, beautiful happiness that i never thought i could ever experience. You told me you loved me every single day. Every day. You were never moody or cross with me, always supportive and kind to me. Making me feel important and special.
I know things were hard with your family. You struggled so much with splitting yourself into the pieces people wanted of you. You wanted to be with me, and buy the house we dreamed of, the family home we dreamed of getting together, but i know the responsibility of your older children weighed heavily on you. God you loved them, i know how much you loved them, but it was difficult wasn’t it? You were wanting to be there for them, spend time with them and meet the expectations they had of you – which was to always be there, always be present and available. That responsibility didn’t always sit well with me did it. I know that. It was because i could see what you wanted, and you wanted to move forward with your life and feel comfortable that they had their own lives and didn’t need you so much, but it never really happened, and i know the guilt you carried with you because you had left their mum when they were so young. You always felt like you were trying to make it up to them, and to do that you had to focus on them and not on yourself. You were a fantastic dad to them, they knew that and know that still. It wasn’t easy for them to let you go though was it. And you being you, selfless as always, you fought hard to be the best dad you could though you started to get ill with depression and anxiety. I knew it was genetic and i knew that you had fought and won the battle 17 years ago, and i had hoped BELIEVED that you would beat it again and we could be together properly because you told me it is all you wanted. I KNOW it was all you wanted.
Your illness took its toll on us – we both know that. It is a selfish illness, which didn’t sit comfortably with a selfless man like you. It stole your peace and stole my peace. It stole the man i knew and loved from me, and though the glimpses of you were there, you were haunted, so haunted. I never knew what to do for you to make it better. I tried. I wrote you those letters and notes – i have them with me now. I have the watch i bought you and the pyjamas I loved you wearing. I also have your police hat and utility jacket and your collar number. Your colleagues have been so kind to me, they knew you loved me so much even if your family didn’t.
I don’t know where i am now. It is difficult because i feel that there is no real recognition of the love we had from the people who mattered to you. I don’t even know why it matters, but you know me, i am sensitive and i hurt easily. Your illness hurt me, because sometimes you weren’t being the person i fell in love with. But i know now, so much now with so much clarity that it WAS just your illness. Not you. Your illness was not you. You were the most amazing person i ever met, my soulmate. And i know i was yours. You told me so many times, i was the love of you life. You couldn’t imagine loving anyone after me. You couldn’t imagine making love to anyone except me. You couldn’t imagine a life i wasn’t in. Remember you cried in the early days when things were difficult and you couldn’t commit to me, but you couldn’t let me go. I remember. You could never let me go. And i don’t know how to let you go, even though you aren’t here anymore. How do i let you go when i love you so much and everything is so unfinished?
I know you felt you had no choice. I know your choice was because you felt you couldn’t live with the pain in your head and your heart. I know also that you felt that you had destroyed our lives and that we would be better off without you. But we aren’t Carl. I miss you and love you more than i ever could have put into words.
I can’t wait to see you again one day. I only hope i get to see you in heaven. Please wait for me.
Goodnight my beautiful boy. Loves ya muchly (as we always said).