I’ve started this blog as a diary of how i feel since losing my partner Carl to his mental health illness.  I hope to remember him, the love, the laughter, the joy he brought to my life, and share all our pictures and the lovely words he said to me.  I need to do this because i was just Carl’s girlfriend.  Since he has gone, I have been involved in very little, and I appreciate the grief of a family, however the hole in my heart is just as large.  I may not have decades of memories, and i may not have his children – but we had found love together and it meant the world to us both.  So i need an outlet, to share, to remember and to grieve.  My heart feels as if it has died with him.

I’m Caroline, I’m 37 years old, with 2 children to my ex husband, age 11 and 9 years old.  I met Carl through work.  He was a police dog handler and I work in the control room.  Carl was 49 years old, with 3 children to his two long term ex partners and he was the love of my life.

I have literally no idea how to express my grief other than to write.  He always said i had a way with words, so i am going to use them.

My site is called ‘Ma’am Caroline’ – this is the name Carl used to call me all the time.  It was affectionate.  At work senior ranking female officers are addressed ‘Ma’am’, and Carl used it as my nickname, pretending i was senior to him.  Obviously i wasn’t, but it stuck all the same.  Sometimes I loved it, but sometimes i used to say – couldn’t I have a more affectionate nickname??   Since he has gone, i have recognised how precious all these little things are, all the quirks and familiar things he said to me.  I’d give anything for him to ring me as he used to do and say ‘Is that you Ma’am???’ It used to make me laugh so much.  So it came to me that i should use it in this blog, to keep that memory alive.


Love as it was