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Dear Carl 

So yesterday I arranged with some help from a couple of your colleagues/mates your memorial service.  It’s going to be as special as you were.  A real ceremony, with a guard of honour with the police dogs & mounted section. We are even going to get NPAS to do a dip of honour if we are able.  And a balloon release that I hope may reach you.  We have so many photographs of you doing your job & looking so typically ‘Carl’, and we’ll use them in a slide show. I’m hoping to play some music you’d like too.  Biblical by Biffy Clyro (you gave me magical, I gave you wonderful…our song) and perhaps something AC/DC.  For my two & Will, I think we’ll choose ‘Last Look at Eden’.  That song reminds me of our camping holidays, singing in the car.  Safe. 

I can’t put into words how much I miss you baby.  Honestly I can’t.  The ache is physical, it’s deep in my heart.  I think of your face, your beautiful face that I loved so much.  The colour of your eyes, your slightly crooked teeth.  The creases from the sunshine in your forehead.  Your stubbly beard of all those colours.  I can picture you so completely in my head it feels like you must still be here.  I can feel your arms around me & feel your chest under my ear.  I can smell your aftershave & I can taste your skin.  The pain is immense.  Just huge. 

I want you to know no matter what happens in life, I’m your girl. Still your girl.  Always your girl.  That was the last question you ever asked me face to face.  All the problems we’d faced and so much of it makes sense suddenly.  It wasn’t us. None of it was us.  WE were alright, WE weren’t the problem.  You said that to me so many times & you were right.  I’d started to think we were the problem.  I wasn’t as forgiving after a while & my barriers were up – you said that so many times.  You wanted my barriers down but I was terrified of you hurting me.  But YOU didn’t hurt me, I realise now.  The illness & the situation did.  The expectations of others did.  You tried so hard to overcome it all & nothing ever worked did it.  We were supposed to live the dream & instead lived a nightmare. And you I hope – I hope with all my heart are free.  But I have to keep living the nightmare.  Missing your love. Missing you, my best friend.

‘You’re still my girl aren’t you?’ 

‘I’ll always be your girl’ 

Love you always my beautiful boy, 

Caroline 

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