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Dear Carl 

I just don’t understand life & why it’s so cruel. Tonight we watched a programme accidentally called ‘Stand Up to Cancer’& it had the story of a mum who died & then her young son died 2 years later.  Noah cried. He cried for you and the unfairness of losing you. My lovely little boy, he regrets the last time he saw you the last words he said to you were a throwaway goodbye as he jumped in his dad’s car.  So I cried. Then Sadie says, she just wants to see your face again. And that hurt too, because my kids are hurting & I’m supposed to try taking away their pain & I can’t because mine is huge & the loss of you is huge.

It’s huge. Too huge to comprehend, too huge to begin to believe it’s true. But you’re gone. Just like that. The knowledge of it still takes my breath away. I’m suffering the worst pain Carl. The worst pain. I know your pain has stopped now & I’m genuinely glad you’re at peace because I hated you being in pain. But at the same time I’m not glad, because in exchange for your peace I’m having to suffer the worst pain.  Yes I know your family are suffering too. We’re all suffering. Badly. But I’m not thinking of your family anymore because they haven’t thought of me & despite being your girlfriend ‘the love of your life’ you said – they’ve just rejected me. I didn’t deserve that.  Your illness hasn’t just taken you. It’s taken me. My self worth. My heart. My belief that everything happens for a reason. THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS!!!!!!!!  It’s taken any chance of peace from me.  It’s taken my future. My soulmate. My best friend. My lover.  It’s taken every happy memory & made it painful.  It’s destroyed the security I had in our relationship. It’s absolutely crucified me.  Your illness has destroyed my life Carl. It’s destroyed me. 
I’m not angry with you.  I read through your messages today & you were so confused about how to live, yet always so clear that it was me, only me you wanted to stay with.  Why couldn’t you have stayed. 

The angel wing & heart you bought me for my birthday…along with a ‘C’ for Carl that our workmates did a collection after you left us & then bought me it. 

I love you more than words. 

Caroline xxxx