You were my best friend & I have stuff to tell you. Stupid stuff, important stuff. I want to say that I spoke to your dad on the phone today & he was really kind to me yet again. That meant a lot. He says he would like to keep talking to me & it doesn’t feel forced or unnatural, almost like you’re encouraging it. If I can bring any comfort at all to your dad, I will do. Because I love you & your dad is part of you. So as long as he wishes to stay in touch with me, I’ll be there for him. I want to send you the funny quotes I’ve seen on Facebook & Instagram. I can imagine you smiling. Remember you made me a bookmark of Wonky the dog? I don’t know where it is now….I want to find it & keep it forever.
Today I walked Rach’s dogs with her in the afternoon, we had a chat & she texted me later to say I’d been smiling & she could see I’d be ok. I wanted to smash my phone up. Not because I’m angry with Rach but, I’m not ok!!!! I’m doing what people want, I’m trying to behave in a way that won’t concern anybody, but actually I’m pretty much dying every day on the inside. Clearly it’s a reasonable act?! Though I’ve fucked that act up posting something on Facebook tonight that’s very sad & going through all our photos & putting hearts against them. I just love seeing us together. We look HAPPY. Just so HAPPY.
I’m still stinging & sore from the rejection of your kids & now Tracey has rebuffed her invite to your memorial. Well, not replied to the email. I don’t think she will now either, truthfully I believe she’ll ignore it. It hurts again because as always I was kind. TOO FUCKING KIND to be honest as my heart still has anger about her behaviour before you left us. But you always said she was stubborn & unforgiving. Maybe that’s why she’s your ex & I’m your girl hmm? Because you found someone as soft hearted as yourself?! But your funeral service wasn’t inclusive of half your life & it felt pertinent to include those you loved at those periods & I felt it may be important to her. Clearly it isn’t as important as I’d thought.
Today Sadie & I watched a video of you on my phone from when we visited Belgium. Sadie cried & said she wanted you back. I cried & said the same. We love you so much Carl. Please stay with us in our hearts. Guide us through this. I’d love a sign from you that you’re near.
Loves ya muchly beautiful boy. Always.