, , , , , , ,

Dear Carl 

You were my best friend & I have stuff to tell you. Stupid stuff, important stuff. I want to say that I spoke to your dad on the phone today & he was really kind to me yet again.  That meant a lot. He says he would like to keep talking to me & it doesn’t feel forced or unnatural, almost like you’re encouraging it.  If I can bring any comfort at all to your dad, I will do. Because I love you & your dad is part of you.  So as long as he wishes to stay in touch with me, I’ll be there for him.  I want to send you the funny quotes I’ve seen on Facebook & Instagram. I can imagine you smiling.  Remember you made me a bookmark of Wonky the dog? I don’t know where it is now….I want to find it & keep it forever. 

Today I walked Rach’s dogs with her in the afternoon, we had a chat & she texted me later to say I’d been smiling & she could see I’d be ok.  I wanted to smash my phone up. Not because I’m angry with Rach but, I’m not ok!!!! I’m doing what people want, I’m trying to behave in a way that won’t concern anybody, but actually I’m pretty much dying every day on the inside.  Clearly it’s a reasonable act?! Though I’ve fucked that act up posting something on Facebook tonight that’s very sad & going through all our photos & putting hearts against them.  I just love seeing us together. We look HAPPY. Just so HAPPY. 
I’m still stinging & sore from the rejection of your kids & now Tracey has rebuffed her invite to your memorial.  Well, not replied to the email.  I don’t think she will now either, truthfully I believe she’ll ignore it.  It hurts again because as always I was kind. TOO FUCKING KIND to be honest as my heart still has anger about her behaviour before you left us.  But you always said she was stubborn & unforgiving. Maybe that’s why she’s your ex & I’m your girl hmm? Because you found someone as soft hearted as yourself?!  But your funeral service wasn’t inclusive of half your life & it felt pertinent to include those you loved at those periods & I felt it may be important to her.  Clearly it isn’t as important as I’d thought. 

Today Sadie & I watched a video of you on my phone from when we visited Belgium. Sadie cried & said she wanted you back. I cried & said the same.  We love you so much Carl.  Please stay with us in our hearts.  Guide us through this. I’d love a sign from you that you’re near. 

This is you & Sadie after a dog walk.  We made you collect the dandelion leaves in case dogs had peed on them remember? Fussy girls.  We miss you. We miss you so so so so so much. 

Loves ya muchly beautiful boy. Always. 

Caroline xxxx