, , , , , , ,

Dear Carl 

I know I only wrote last night but I woke up this morning & the miss is really very strong today. It’s strong every day right now…people say it will ease but I just don’t see how. But weekends. They particularly hurt.  We’d have fun at the weekends wouldn’t we?  We’d take the kids down to the local pub in our lovely little town & have a pint & a half – the kids would scoot outside or climb the trees. Or if it was too cold you’d play pool with Noah while Will tried to help rearrange the pool balls.  I remember the time the kids built a ‘snowball wall’ outside the pub on a table & we watched them from the window laughing. Bundled up in hats, coats & scarfs, just loving being young & carefree.  We’d collect a takeaway.  Come home & get the kids settled & open a bottle of rose, you’d have a couple more beers & cuddle up to watch tv.  It was lovely wasn’t it?  That was the life you craved.  All the rushing around & being relied on stopped for a while.  We’d go to bed & light a candle, hold each other tight, safe & happy.  It was all so perfect.  Only at the time you don’t realise it was perfect, because it’s just ‘normal’ – but the happiness was just beautiful. 

Saturday mornings you’d have to walk the dogs…take Will swimming if he was with us.  I’d take Noah dancing if he was with me. Lazy bones Sadie would snooze in bed.  Always rushing weren’t we. Always somewhere to be or stuff to do for everyone else.  But that was life.  And we worked so well as a team. We really did.  It was meant to stay that way. 

I can’t comprehend this new life. I don’t want it & the desperation just wells up inside me like the worst kind of panic.  I don’t want to live a life you aren’t in but I have too.  The unfairness & cruelty of it kicks me square in the chest over & over again throughout the day.  The missing you grows stronger & the pain just ebbs & flows all day while I ‘try’ being ok for the kids to not upset them. 

Already it’s tailing off.  People who rang me every day are now ringing once a week. People who texted me are not texting me now.  It’s like they allowed me 4 weeks to grieve & now I have to just get on.  They don’t understand that my world has fallen down. 

My whole world has fallen down Carl. 

I love you always. Always always. 

Tu me manques my beautiful boy. 

Caroline xxxx