I’ve woken up this morning and again I’m missing you, it’s overwhelming. I hate mornings – they remind me I have another whole day to get through without you & I have no idea which memories will pop into my head to torment me. Because that is what they do – torment.
People keep telling me that these memories will be comforting one day. But you know – I wonder if that will ever actually be true? Because the undercurrent of each memory is, it’s just not fair. It’s not fair. It’s NOT FAIR!!!!!
We just wanted to live our lives didn’t we? You said it to me enough times – ‘I just need to get rid of my shit’ you’d say. I know you didn’t mean your kids were ‘that shit’ – I know you meant your house but I do also know you meant your older kids moving forward & having their own lives away from you that meant you felt free enough to live the life YOU wanted. Because you didn’t feel free at all. You felt like you’d got chains around you. Your guilt chains. You told me so many times you just wanted everything under one roof, but the thought of selling that house, it tore you apart. Not because you wanted to keep it, but because the effort of it was too huge in your state of mind. I’d told you I would help you, that I’d sort it all for you if you’d let me. But you were terrified of it. The illness had struck & stripped away your ability to deal with anything stressful. You who’d been so strong throughout life, who’d dealt with huge projects with enthusiasm. It stripped you of who you were.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel some anger Carl. Everyone expected so much from you. Yes, my expectations had started low, but we know they had increased,… in my defence it was because you wanted the same as me. You wanted us to live together & be a family. You wanted to wake up with me, be a team. We worked so well as a team too. It was tiring living apart & so tiring watching you tear yourself into so many pieces to keep others happy. I got frustrated didn’t I. I wanted you to do what YOU wanted to do, to be happy in your life & to get back that wonderful, happy, enthusiastic, beautiful soul that you always had been. I even wondered if you needed to be away from me…I gave you the chance so many times to walk away. But you always came back & said you can’t, you don’t want to be away from me. You wanted me & only me. I was the love of your life.
It’s not fair. Why couldn’t you get better. Why couldn’t the medication work. I need you Carl. I need you.
Please please please just do something, show me you’re with me somehow.
I love you my beautiful boy. Always.