My heart has felt so heavy today. Heavier than ever before. I try so hard not to think past today but this new life ahead of me stretches out like a prison sentence.
Your absence is like a piece of me is missing. A huge part of me, a noticeable part, like I’m walking around with no eyes or no legs. I feel like it must be etched on my face, tattooed on my forehead. I wonder how people can walk around, talking, laughing, being normal when my world has spun off its axis. I can’t right myself, I can’t catch my breath properly. It’s a desperate, panicky feeling. I’ve been exposed to the worst cruelty. Life gave me you. Someone like you, who knew me. Who knew I loved Lush bath bombs and knew I chewed my lip when I was worried. Who could tell in one text message whether my head was mashed with life. You saw me from the inside. Aside of the physical attraction which was honestly where it started, the emotional attachment was deep. Deep. It meant the world and made me whole. It pieced me back together after a lifetime of searching for someone who wanted to know me completely. It was you.
What went wrong?
My future is so uncertain now. I don’t want a future you aren’t in yet that’s what I’ve been handed. It’s like a bomb strapped to my chest. Rather like your illness. I’m moving with fear, moving carefully. Every thought could potentially light the fuse & the bomb will go off inside me & I’ll stop functioning. I look backwards, only backwards to the past you’re in because it’s safe & it was happy. There were terrible moments when we argued & your illness came between us. Those moments I feel such guilt about. I look back… & I loved & supported you….but i also became angry & felt you were weak. I looked back at how I’d overcome so much – my marriage break down. The emotionally abusive ex. The damage that emotional abuse caused my kids. The bankruptcy. The family issues. And I was angry that you had the whole world in your hands & yet you were too frightened to move. But I wasn’t ill was I. You always said to me ‘you’re a warrior’ – and I believed you. I’m not a warrior now.
You’ve taken me with you Carl. They don’t see it. They think I’ll be okay one day. But you’ve taken me with you & left this shell. This is me now.
How do I live without you?
I love you my beautiful boy