Dear Carl

Today I went for a walk with Simon. It’s quite comforting being with someone who knew & cared about you & the kids like him because he talks to them like people – not just daft kids.  He was the one who explained to Sadie & Noah that you’d taken your own life.  He explained it in such a way that they don’t look at it as ‘suicide’ but a terminal illness of the brain that caused you so much pain & torment you chose to leave. 

I still believe I could have stopped you. That still kills me inside. I don’t tell the kids that. 

I digress. So we fed the ducks & Sadie played in the parkc, but Noah isn’t well. Not a typical Noah over-dramatic unwell (as we both know) but a genuine pale face, sore throat unwell & I’m going out tonight so I feel awful. 

When I say I’m going out – I’m going to a night called ‘Rock on for Carl 🤘🏻’ which has been arranged by your ex Sgt, who is gutted about losing you.  He has arranged 4 local bands to play & loads of people are going. I don’t know how long I’ll want to stay for if I’m honest. Being there without you is going to be like a knife in my side. I loved going places with you. I loved being on your arm. You were always proud to be with me, I remember that. You always loved to show me off, which meant the world to me, it made me feel beautiful & special.  I can’t imagine ever feeling that way again. 

I saw my counsellor today also. She says you were like an oak tree. Everyone was hanging on your branches causing your branches to bend – and eventually snap.  I was a smaller tree that stood next to you & that you leaned on when your branches got weak.  I was happy to be that smaller tree next to you but sometimes I couldn’t take your weight.  My guilt is that I didn’t do enough.  She says I need to try knocking that guilt on the head because it will eat me up inside.  I didn’t tell her it’s already had a 6 course dinner with extra helpings.  

This is us at a Rival Sons gig. Loved it. 

Love you to the moons & stars my beautiful boy. 
Always yours 

Caroline 

Xxxxxxx

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