Well the rock gig was a good turn out of people who loved & cared for you. It was hard I can’t lie, I felt your absence as acutely as if I had walked in there minus my clothes. My hand was empty where you’d hold it. Talking to your friends & colleagues was nice, in a way, but also difficult. I feel this sense of incompleteness….like I don’t quite know the whole story & I never will. Like everyone knows something I don’t know…almost like there was a blindfold over my eyes while we were together.
I keep thinking forward to life without you & I’m warned not too, but it’s hard not too when I feel like I have ice in my veins…my blood is running so cold with fear, that even when I try not thinking of the future, it’s there breathing down my neck whispering…’Hello… this is the future you have now, I’m here to torture you…’
I think of how easy it would be to end it all myself….easily, painlessly….but then I think of the pain it would cause my children & my parents & my friends….I couldn’t bear to hurt people. Then I wonder how the fuck you came to your decision, because I thought we were the same. I thought we were similar people. I know you were so unwell & I can’t truly compare this to your illness – but there are actual similarities here. Panic. Absolute panic. Desperation. A sense of overwhelming responsibility for others. A sense of no escape. I wish I had your courage Carl. I wish I was as brave as you. Because I’m a coward and I have to live. And I get it. Living is the cowards way out – because you’re living not for yourself, but for others. Always, always having to think of other people & not yourself, and what YOU want. You chose yourself, for the first time in your life. For the first time ever – you put your own feelings first. And your feelings were that you did not want to live in that much pain. So you didn’t.
I understand my lovely man. I understand.
I want to see my children grow. I want to see them happy. I’m terrified that my family & I are a bad omen, that cast nasty spells on those around us. How could so many bad things happen to one family? I could make the choice to live regardless of the fear, but the fear is overwhelming at times. I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else. I’ve grown with losing my brother. I’ve grown with the effect that had on my own parents, their marriage & their lives. I’ve seen the damage loss can cause. And they aren’t getting younger. And they’ve seen so much sadness & darkness. They’re terrified for me…just terrified. Yet all I can think of is myself & how I will feel if one more bad thing happens & if I will break.
What if I break Carl? Who will care for my children? Because I love them so much. I love you so much.
Will you be my guardian angel? Will you keep me safe? Will you?
I love you beautiful boy. Always.