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Dear Carl 

I feel frightened. Remember how I said that I knew what love was, and what love was not? I hate myself for saying that. I convinced myself you didn’t really love me, when the truth was you did love me, very much.  And I realise love was exactly what we had.  All the lovely little things, all the lovely sayings you had & your familiar way.  Yet I’d convinced myself that actions spoke louder than words, when actually they didn’t.  Your words were enough.  But before this, as you knew, I was damaged. And now since you have gone, I am for the first time, really desperately frightened that the damage can’t be repaired. 

The worst pain I have ever felt is losing you.  The fear of being without you forever, which isn’t a fear now, but a reality.  Your love kept me afloat on a very rough sea, that’s what you did.  You were my anchor – keeping me in one place with my head above water, reminding me that I was a good person, a kind person, a worthy person. 

That’s all been undone.  All the work your love did over 3 years & 10 months has come undone.  I am being treated like I’m a stranger…not just a passing stranger but an unwelcome stranger.  I feel sorry for them too, that they are caught in such a tidal wave of grief, because I know how it feels.  I am on the wave too.  But I am not cruel & could never be cruel to someone especially while they are hurting so badly.  Yet the way they have behaved feels like real cruelty to me in this awful phase.  Coldness that has frozen me to the bone.  How are they to know how much we loved each other though? They weren’t part of us were they? So I am not part of them now you are gone.  Keeping me away from everything.  There is such cruelty in making someone feel so uncertain about their memories, like they hold a key to some secret room with thoughts you had that you didn’t share with me. 

The real cruelty for me has been not telling me when your ashes are being laid to rest.  So tomorrow, the love of my life, your family will stand around & watch as your ashes go into the ground & I will not be there. Nor will I have been invited. Not invited. Do you know what that has done to me?  It is not your fault my love. But yet it is…because in falling in love with you I’ve fallen into the worst danger. 

Tomorrow, as your ashes go into the ground, I will light your candles at 11am and say a prayer.  I’ll say a prayer for you & for myself.  I will also say a prayer for every good person in the world who feels incredibly worthless.  Because I know how that feels. It feels like hell.

I love you beautiful boy. 

Caroline xxx 

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