Dear Carl 

I’ve done alot of talking about how you left, how I’ve felt & how it’s affected me. How your family have been towards me & trying to make sense of that. Still trying to make sense of it all to be honest. 

But today I’ve been so lonely without you & I’ve missed our life.  Our ordinary life. Aside of your illness. Aside of external family issues. I miss the dogs. The sounds of the chain on the dog leads as you set off for your nightly walk.  The sound of the tap water hitting the tin bowl as you fill it to give to them before we go to bed. I miss the heavy tread of your footstep on the stairs & even the snoring as you sleep next to me. 

I loved sitting in the bath with you. You laid down & me facing you, my knees up and my arms hooked around your legs. We’d chat, relax…it became a lovely ritual.  Or lying on the sofa with you, my head comfy on your chest. Listening to your heart beat, so steady & strong & safe.  I miss sleeping with you & the emotion…that was genuine love…bringing us close & keeping us bonded.  I miss the feel of you as I have my arms around you. How we fitted like jigsaw pieces. 

‘You gave me magical, I gave you wonderful’ 

That’s ‘Biblical’ by Biffy Clyro. That song that wove it’s way around my heart & spoke to us.  One of the many songs you said felt like it was for you & me. It was so true wasn’t it Carl?? I remember that you were so tortured about your decisions…the day you came to see me & told me you were with me. You were choosing us, our love, our future together. I know you felt massively confused about it all but you said ‘when I’m here with you, it all makes sense’ I knew that’s what your heart told you. Your head, your poor mind, told you differently at times, I know. But you couldn’t have faked the love you showed me. So I understood most of the time didn’t I? You always said I was too understanding, too giving…that I put your feelings first & gave you the space & time to figure out how life would work if you chose me. 

Life didn’t work though did it. 

Amongst my whatsapps is this. I sent it you & you sent it back to me. 

I’d still choose you my beautiful boy. 

I love you to the moon & stars 

Caroline ❤️