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Dear Carl 

So I just looked outside & saw the clearest night sky full of stars.  My heart is breaking because I want to show you, but then maybe you sent them for me to see. 

I finished work this morning…I cried again.  It was crazy, we had a fail to stop & I helped run it, and it was like I was back to normal again for the briefest period. Then 2 cop cars were stung and the subject car escaped & all I could think was ‘wait til I tell Carl about this….’

Then I realised I wouldn’t be. And as quickly as that sharp knife of realisation stabbed through my heart I realised also that for a brief period I’d forgotten you were gone.  And when I say forgotten I don’t mean forgotten you, I mean….it wasn’t real & things were normal again. You weren’t gone. My mind switched off from the awful reality & you were at home in bed….or out there on the streets…but you weren’t gone. And it scared me.  Because I’ve worked so hard I think at ‘acceptance’ – trying to believe it & convince myself so I’m in some way in control of the grief journey.  My worst moments are waking from dreams of you or the days that the panic builds up inside me until I crack & cry.  It’s panic because I actually don’t know if I can live without you. 

I’ve decided to get a tattoo, for you. I found it, sitting in amongst tattoo pictures of moons & stars which is what I’d been searching for.  It’s what you always called me, and I thought if i have it tattooed on me it’ll stay with me forever. I can hear you saying it & im positive I have so many messages in which you say it to me also. 

Warrior. 

Did you show me those stars Officer? Are you amongst them? Are you at peace. Do you miss me too somehow. Can you ease my pain somehow.

I love you so so much my beautiful boy ❤️ 

Caroline ❤️

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