, , , , , ,

Dear Carl, 

So the last few days have been amongst the loneliest of my life ever. Ever. I finished work & 4 days off stretched ahead of me. 4 days in which I’m mum, cleaner, cook, washer lady…..and not your girl anymore. Not your girl. I’m not even doing uni work because I’ve deferred until next year now, so terrified I was of failing because my heart is broken & my head is full of nothing but you and the worst sadness. 

I know what you’d say. ‘Kids first!’ Always the same. Yes I know. I agree. But the difference is, back then I was a whole person & now I’m half a person. How do you be a ‘top mum’ as you used to call me….how do you keep up that momentum when you’re desperately empty & low.  Because that’s me. Desperately empty.  It’s not even like I’m crying all the time. It’s like I’ve settled into this state of nothingness. I feel nothing. Empty. I am not ever happy. I miss you with an ache that I swear has filled every part of me, oozed into every cell, like my heart died on the 20th of September & the rest of me has been slowly dying since then too. 

I have had to go through all the photographs for the memorial service which is the only thing I’ve put any real effort into. My house is falling to pieces. My body is falling to pieces. I’ve lost a stone since you left.  But your memorial will be beautiful and you – I think – would  be so incredibly proud.  But you won’t be there will you. You won’t see it. I want your family to see how loved you were but actually I don’t think they’ll really care about anything I’ve done.  I don’t want recognition from them but it would be good for them to acknowledge i was actually a part of your life, instead of ignoring my existence. 

Do you know. I think I will change from this. It’s what I’ve been most scared of but I think I’ll change.  I don’t think I’ll be that girl you fell in love with anymore. Desperate for acceptance & to be liked. Desperate, DESPERATE to be liked.  I feel like my heart has accepted I’ll never be worthy. And I’ll never plow my love into anyone again only my kids.  But even they could one day turn around & listen to the lies their father spouts & they could up and leave me.  Or maybe they’ll get tired of the sad empty shell their mother is and leave me anyway. 

I wish I could be selfish & end it all like you Carl.  I know you leaving hasn’t been something driven by selfishness. I know you aren’t selfish.  But ultimately it was a selfish act that ruined lives & only you gained something from it because the rest of us have been destroyed. 

So I guess I’ll sleep & wake up again on another shitty day just waiting to go back to bed. 

This isn’t fair. Look at us. We were happy.

I love you & i’m drowning. Don’t tell anyone.  

Caroline xxx