So it’s been a few days since I’ve written because I’ve been busy trying to live. Stay alive. Keep the world turning for the kids & for myself in a roundabout way, even though I feel like living is nothing more than a punishment now you aren’t here. I even worked Carl – I dealt with jobs that no person who just lost her partner should deal with – but I did. To prove I could do it still even in this darkness.
And something else has crept in Carl. Something I wasn’t expecting. I’m angry with you.
Why was it ok to leave us? I know you felt desperate but I know you weren’t completely mad!! I know that you tried hanging on & the illness became a battle you felt you couldn’t win. But what part of you felt it was ok to leave such a crucifying legacy behind?? Surely we were big enough to KEEP LIVING FOR!!!!!! You KNEW how loved you were – and I know over those last few weeks we had problems that your illness just intensified but I told you. I told you I was still your girl? I TOLD YOU!!!!! Nothing had changed in my heart. I loved you then & I love you now but my God you’ve destroyed my life. You’ve destroyed my life Carl. Destroyed. You’ve blown it into a million pieces & I’m frantically trying to gather some back together but everything is jumbled & out of place.
You undid all your hard work. You built me up into this person who believed in herself – loved, for the first time in the way i’d always hoped I could be loved. And I loved you in return in a way I’d not believed I was actually capable of. You made me feel worthy. Capable. You made me feel like I was beautiful. You told me I was a good person. A kind person. A generous, loving person. All the things YOU were too. You did all that work & then you left me in the worst possible way. Stranded in almost complete isolation with all these horrific feelings. All these doubts about whether all that was even true. Because if it was true & the future you longed for with me was true, why leave me? Why leave me alone?? Forever!! Carl, you left me FOREVER!!!! With no chance to say anything more, to talk to you, convince you to stay…to live, to keep fighting. All these unspoken words, all these dreams that will never come true now. A dark future.
I was always on your side & I thought you were always on mine. And such a selfless person you were for everyone else, you took & took & took my support & then left me to deal with this awful mess. Your family?? Don’t want to know me. Yes Carl – I was right all along. Friends?? Yeah they check in on me, but it eases off you know. The ones who rallied initially ring & check up on me here & there but attention fades & interest fades & their lives move forward & my life stays here in this black hole you left me in. Luckily I do have really lovely friends who still will come & sit with me in the darkness – but none of them are you. So on top of everything else I feel selfish & ungrateful because you’re not here & nobody else will really ever do.
I feel angry with you because I don’t want anyone but you & now I’m stuck living because I have too, not because I want too.
I’m tired Carl. So fucking tired.
I love you always but if you were here right now I’d be angry.
Love you so much beautiful boy. Even though you’ve hurt me so badly.