, , , , , , ,

Dear Carl 

I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. I was your girl for 3 years 10 months & I was happy being your girl. You’d always say you were MY man, you’d write it in your cards, underlining ‘YOUR’ – because you were mine as much as I was yours. And I loved how we were. Such real, no holds barred love. All consuming, complete, perfect. 

I feel like I want to change & become different now you’re gone. I want to keep who I was while I was with you safe, at least in the physical sense. I want to change my hair, my clothes, my face. I want to be someone different so that girl in the photographs stays with you – she was yours.  Almost like the old me died with you, so in some sense there’s the old version of me that’s with you still? Does that make sense?! 

I also don’t want to wear clothes that are in the previous photographs, I want them to stay as clothes I wore WITH YOU not after you’d gone.  I want to get rid of every item of clothing that reminds me of  that happiness.  I can pinpoint clothes I wore & when.  The khaki green cold shoulder top?!  Your birthday, down at the local.  The long black & white zig zag print dress? Bridlington beach eating fish & chips on the beach with the kids.  The memories are so strong.  I felt it when I put my police uniform on again too but I can’t bin that.  I don’t fit into my work trousers anymore due to losing weight since you’ve gone they’re like clown trousers. So I’m now wearing a skirt someone lent me? So even that is now semi unrecognisable as who’d have thought I’d ever wear a skirt to work?! Not me! 

I don’t want to cook meals we liked. We love chilli con carne, paella risotto, chorizo pasta.  All our old ‘familiar’ dishes.  I want them to stay untouched, ours from then. I don’t want to make them without you. 

I miss you & I miss me. I don’t know who I am though.  

I love you so much beautiful boy.