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Dear Carl 

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the first time you kissed me. The first kiss I remember like it just happened.  We’d teetered on the edge of something, uncertain whether to take that leap between friendship & more.  Our friendship was good, we liked each other & enjoyed each other’s company…we could talk & share & time would fly by in the blink of an eye.  You counted from that day. You counted from that moment as the moment everything changed. It was our anniversary every month on the 20th from that day. 

It changed everything.  It altered our paths, it sealed our fate, it smashed our hearts wide open so we were unprotected, exposed….we were hurtling towards something beautiful that neither of us were prepared for or in a position to deal with or move forward with.  But we did anyway. 

In the safety of your love I blossomed. I rediscovered myself, who I had stopped being.  My heart wasn’t cold as I’d thought it had become, I was capable of loving & I was thrilled – so captivated by you….so caught up in the absolute joy you brought to my world with your love, your touch, your words, your everything. 

We spent so many moments keeping our love to ourselves.  Skirting round saying ‘I love you’ frightened of the consequences.  Frightened of the home truths that would come our way if we confessed – not just two teenagers but two adults with responsibilities, children, houses….two adults with baggage. A lot of baggage. 

I was 33. You were 45.  You weren’t sure what I’d see in you….you said I’m set in my ways, I drive a Volvo…I’m 12 years older than you.  Did it ever make a difference Carl?  No it didn’t. You were everything I could have dreamed of and more. Everything. I fell in love with YOU from the inside moreso than how attracted I was to you.  But I was very attracted to you. Our physical relationship knew no bounds & it proved only to us both that something so electric could only happen when two people were matched.  You told me I was the love of your life.  That you never needed to touch another woman ever because nobody could be me.  I felt the same.

4 years ago. Everything changed. I had everything. You gave me everything. 

The memories hurt me so badly, I just want you back.  I’ll never ever feel that way again.  Nobody could match up to you.  And I told you this before.  You’ve ruined me for anyone else, nobody could hold a candle to you. Nobody ever could then & nobody ever will.  I have to live my life holding these memories close in my heart & remembering that I had the most wonderful wonderful man, and I lost him. 

I lost you. 

I love you to the moon & back my lovely man. 

Caroline  ğŸŒœâ­ï¸ğŸŒ›

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