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Dear Carl 

So tonight I was watching TV, filling my time up as I do trying to avoid thinking.  And as I was I suddenly felt this wave, this feeling of grief that rose inside me…like a kettle boiling until it reaches the point it’s bubbling & churning.  It was for no reason – nothing happened.  I was watching First Dates?! It’s a programme we’d never watched together & I think it was that the set of the domino effect on my emotions.  Thinking of the times we did watch things, the series we watched, the films we watched, the times I laid on my sofa with our legs wrapped round each other & my head on your chest.  That deep feeling of absolute safety & everything being right with the world.  I’m crying now writing this, because I can imagine the heaviness of your leg over mine, the steady drum of your heart beating….reaching down for you to pass me my wine glass …or falling asleep on you & you nudging me awake.  I can feel it vividly. That sense of just belonging with you.  Except I didn’t realise it at the time…it was normal. I took it for granted. 

I took you for granted.  My lovely lovely boy.  I thought you’d always be there. 

So tonight I looked to my right from my usual spot on the far left of the sofa & I felt you there.  I felt you.  I needed to say something & I had the urge to try to deal with my hair, hastily dried & dragged into a ponytail. You can’t see me like this.  I’m sitting there looking like absolute shit & I FEEL you there.  I told you I missed you. I said ‘Tu me manques’ – you’ll know that one.  I reached for my angel wing on my necklace.  The one you bought me the month before you left me, on my birthday.  ‘Something to Keep’ you’d written, with a moon & star (I love you to the moon & back – our saying).  I touched it & put my right hand out. I said please. Please. Please. I just wanted a sign. I felt your presence.  I got no sign.  But I felt this strong sensation that you were occupying your usual spot there on the sofa next to me.  I cried. I cried some more.

I miss you Carl.  I miss you more than there’ll ever be adequate words for.  I miss familiar.  I miss your love, your touch, your kiss.  I miss your smell. Your everything. It’s like torture being separated from you like this & I want to find a way of being close to you. But nothing will ever feel that good again. 

I’ll never be that lucky again.

I love you my beautiful boy. I love you to the moon & back always. Always. 

Please wait for me ❤️