I’m confused about life & I think the answer is I need to learn something from the worst time of my life.
Losing you has been by far the worst most painful experience I have ever lived through. And as you know I’ve lived through a fair amount of painful experiences. But losing your soulmate? Well I’m glad you never had to feel this. I love you too much. But I know you had your own pain. A different kind of pain but valid & excruciating nonetheless. I don’t know, something is missing here somewhere, but I can’t do what you did. I can’t do it. And I’ve thought about it. In the early few weeks after you left me I imagined dying & it was a blissful thought. Just to join you & be with you with no pain in my heart. But there are no certainties. Would I join you? Would you be there waiting for me like heaven suggests? Or would my years of non believing in God (or at least saying I don’t) would they penalise me in some way?
I couldn’t leave my kids. I want to see them grow & change. I want them to have a happier life than I’ve had. I want to witness that & hold my grandchildren, watch them graduate / marry / succeed.
It breaks my heart that you won’t see a lot of that now. I know you saw Katie graduate but you didn’t see Will lose his first tooth. You didn’t see Chris become the man you hoped he’d be. You didn’t see Sadie & Noah grow & you didn’t realise how much they loved you too.
You just under estimated the absolute rock you were to so many people.
I tell myself in these darkest moments where death feels like it could be a blessing, that I actually was one of the lucky ones. We had something incredibly beautiful & some aren’t so lucky. And your death doesn’t take that away. But how you died steals the peace from those memories & haunts me when it’s dark & quiet. I imagine you in one of your anxious frenzied moods, in one of your desperate moments where you’re screaming inside for some peace in your head. There’s questions I can’t ask that I want to ask but I know I’d regret asking. How? Did you use a rope or a belt. Did you go quickly. I pray you didn’t suffer or regret in an instant when it was too late to change your mind. Or were you calm. Did you calmly carry out the cruellest thing you ever did. Oh, I know it wasn’t a cruel act – you were never cruel. But you didn’t realise in that moment that you were inflicting such cruelty & pain on the many people who loved you.
Because this pain is cruel.
This pain is desperate.
This pain is a neverending cycle of torturous thoughts & questions & pain & ‘what if’s’…
Yes. The what if’s are the cruellest.
What if I’d called you that morning. Instead of rush rush rush for the kids. There’s nothing more desperate than what if’s. Because no amount of what if’s can bring you back. And do you know, that desperation alone….I thought it would kill me. But it would appear that despite my heart breaking into a million pieces, a million jagged, razor sharp pieces – I still am alive.
You were mine. You will always be mine & I will ALWAYS love you. Forever.
I love you beautiful boy ❤️