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Dear Carl 

On Friday 25th November i stood in front of your friends & colleagues & (some) of your family and I spoke. I said what I wanted to say & finally felt like there was a moments peace in my heart.  I didn’t need to be acknowledged for anything other than my own self worth. 

Because my God you leaving has made me feel worthless.  I know you didn’t mean it to happen but it did.  It left me feeling like I wasn’t worth staying alive for. Our future wasn’t worth living for. Our memories weren’t worth holding onto.  Our dreams weren’t worth dreaming.  Our love wasn’t worth fighting for. 

But you’d done all that & had been for some time.  It just got too hard for you. 

I needed to tell people not only had you been an amazing cop but you were an AMAZING man & amazing to ME.  You gave me strength & courage to fight when my fight was wearing thin.  It hurts my heart so much to know I couldn’t do that for you ENOUGH in the end.  I feel so responsible. It hurts my heart to imagine how you must have felt on that last day…the 20th September.  The day life as I knew it ended.

So here I stand, crawling…moving so so slowly forward into a new life I don’t understand anymore.  A cruel life with no hope for our love to end in happiness. All the quotes about love i read & they’re so true of you & I.  We said them all. ‘Love you more’ – remember. ‘Love you to the moon & back’ always. ‘Loves ya muchly’ that was ours.  Remember when I taught you what ‘mwah’ meant? ‘Put your lips together, it’s the sound your lips make when you blow a kiss’ – oh you loved that. I’d get ‘mwah mwah mwah’ on everything.  I can’t imagine saying that to anyone ever again. 

I can’t imagine a life when I can’t feel the solid presence of you next to me in bed. Listen to you snoring…trying to roll the solid bulk of you over in bed & laughing about it the next day because I could never shift you. 

Remember how you’d creep in the day after a night shift….I’d sleep & you’d sneak into bed next to me, pull me close, wake me with a kiss.  I can imagine the bristly feel of your hair under my fingers & the roughness of your worn dog handler hands on my skin.  You made me feel like I was the only woman on earth. You made me feel loved. So loved. 

I can’t describe how much I miss you adequately.  I can’t.  It’s like trying to describe how hot the sun is. Nobody knows do they? Not really.  You can imagine how hot it is, how it would burn you to a crisp just getting slightly close….but you don’t actually KNOW.  That’s how it feels. It feels like an indescribable pain, an itch that won’t be soothed by scratching, just always there…some days I leave it just so I can survive but other days I have to scratch & pick at the pain until it’s bleeding and raw all over again.  Like this evening.  Reading your emails.  Reading the words ‘I’m proud of you’. 

I’m not proud of me. I lost you. I didn’t save you. I didn’t succeed. 

My beautiful beautiful boy. I want to go back in time & ease your pain. Take you away from it. I want you to ease my pain too. I want us to be a team again. 

I love you so much Carlos. Always ❤️ 

Your girl, Caroline xxx