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Dear Carl 

It’s hard remembering so much & not having you here to remember.  So I want to share some memories that are ours. They’re silly memories. Lovely memories. You memories. 

Remember the first time you kissed me. How you curled your finger down just past the waistband of my jeans on my bare hip & the touch of you burned my skin, and it still stays with me to this day. 

Remember how we watched ‘The Affair’ (and other programmes) and discussed it, dissected it, you loved the theme tune. We loved watching TV together & you wanted so much to just have that life….the normal cuddle up on the sofa life…not the constant rushing looking after others life that you had. 

I remember how I’d bite your lip when I kissed you & you loved it. How you’d hold my hand wherever we went. How you’d cuddle & spoon me in bed. How we said ‘loves ya more’ or ‘loves ya muchly’….’lovesyalotsbye’ remember that one. I do. I remember. 

It’s been almost 11 painful weeks since you left us.  I don’t know how I’m surviving sometimes being truthful. As scared of the future as I am.  Sometimes at the worst moments the pain in it’s full force attacks me but I mostly manage to keep it at bay. Because for the first few weeks it’s ok to lose the plot. It’s ok to be needy & desperate.  But as time goes on things return to normal for everyone else. Not me though.  I remember everything I’ve written above and more in minute detail.  It hits me like a brick in the face suddenly when I remember how you used words that weren’t really words (shew!?) or how you’d answer the phone ‘Hello?????’ As if you were shocked at a ringing phone and I’d laugh at you.  Or how you’d call me ‘Ma’am’ or say ‘Squeeeeeeeeeze’ down the phone at me. That just brought instant tears to my eyes. You hated a lacklustre ‘squeeeeeeze’ and would make me say it til you felt it was adequate & make me laugh.  I miss that. I miss you. Like I’ve never ever known anything else. Missing you is just the worst pain. 

We had it all my beautiful boy. Why?. Why? Why Carl?. Why? 

I love you so much ❤️ 

YOUR girl, Caroline 

You bought me this angel wing for my birthday in August. ‘Something to Keep’ you wrote on the tag with a 🌜🌟🌛 remember we used to send that in messages. You loved it. You bought me an angel wing. Did you know already. My mind is tortured.