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Dear Carl 

God I miss you. I miss your love & your laugh & your voice. I miss the knowledge that you’ll always check up on me, check in on me.  I miss you caring about me & I miss the reality of caring for you.  I’d take all the pain of your illness a thousand fold  & deal with it so much better if I could just go back in time and hold you again & try & make it okay for you again. 

The truth, the knowledge of not being able to go back in time & never ever being able to see you, hold you, kiss you again. Well….it’s like living a form of torture. Invisible, like a vice around ny heart all the time. 

You’d be proud of me, I think. Outwardly I’m coping. People look at me & say ‘you’re doing great’ – like I’ve achieved something, like I’m some kind of superwoman who’s gone above and beyond all expectations of someone who lost the love of their life.  You always said I was a warrior (hence the tattoo on my wrist) and yes, I’m feeding the kids, not always feeding myself, but they are fed & watered & school clothes are ironed & homework is completed – not always brilliantly but done.  We are doing a challenge in January – I might have told you already, whereby several friends & colleagues of ours are ‘Running Every Day’ – the RED January challenge, which is about getting out moving every day of that hard first month of the year. We’re raising money for MIND, to help people struggling like you were with depression.

I fear Christmas and New Year may be one battle too far for me mentally.  It terrifies me how I have to spend Xmas day with my parents especially my mum, who’s just such hard work & I don’t have my kids because they’re with their wanker father. I want to put flowers on your grave but who do i ask to do that?? It’s not like your family have any depth of feeling towards me. 

New Year terrifies me because I won’t have seen you since ‘last year’ & every year that follows you’ll get further & further away from me. Because your not here anymore. And that fact haunts, crucifies, destroys me.
How do I keep this pretence up Carl? Will I ever feel even the slightest bit of happiness again? It’s like my world has just gone dark. 

I love you. More than ever ever ever. 

Your girl always, Caroline xxx 

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