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Dear Carl 

Christmas is approaching & I’m terrified. Today I sent a card to your dad & enclosed a card I hope that someone will take & lay at your grave, because I am so far away & it’s a crazy 7 hour round trip. I know I’ll make it, but I also feel so unsure – like how making it at this time of year could possibly help.  I would want to feel you there & I anticipate the devastation when I don’t could have a real adverse effect.  Because I want to feel you & I don’t. 

Right now it’s 1.20am. I should be in bed asleep but I’m not. I’ve not moved from this sofa.  I’ve functioned all day, even Xmas shopped, even met a friend for coffee. I’m exhausted with trying.  Because people need to see me coping to feel better about getting on with their own lives. People don’t want to be dragged down by this horrendous weight or sympathy & uncomfortableness they feel when they look in my eyes. 

The truth is I miss you so much I dream of dying. And the guilt of that, when I have two beautiful children to live for is oppressive.  I dream of dying a natural quick death that people cannot blame me for & more to the point feel guilt over. 

And I hate when people say ‘someone would give anything to have a long life ahead of them like you have’.  I hate it because they’ve not lived through this pain. They don’t know Carl. They don’t know what living without your soulmate & heart feels like.  I am living purely for others benefit. For my children. But I believe I am cursed. So much bad stuff happens around me when I desperately dream of just being happy. And I know happiness isn’t coming. Who else will my curse destroy? And why? There are far far worse people than me in the world. Far worse. My ex husband for one. Gambler, liar, narcissist. But sleeps easy & gets a good life. 

I lost my best friend & soulmate. I have to live without him & the knowledge HE CHOSE TO LEAVE. The knowledge that people look for someone to blame & look in my direction because who else is there? It can’t be THEM?! 

I love you so much. More than I ever even realised Carl. More than I realised. How unfair is that. 

Just do something to show me you’re still around or you hear me. Please. Please baby. Please. 

Tu me manques.

Caroline ❤️