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Dear Carl 

Now we didn’t spend Christmas Day together usually – not much of it anyway. You had to be in Ipswich with your family as it was just how things were. It caused great sadness between us last year when you left to go there & I was again alone a majority of the Christmas period.  

Looking back that nearly broke us but you came back with renewed promises begging for another chance & saying that it wouldn’t be that way again & next year would be different.  Quite how different I don’t think either of us fathomed at the time. You suffered such guilt. Always wanted to do right by people, everyone expecting & wanting a piece of you & the one person I know you wanted to be with was the person you never chose. Or at least I think you wanted to be with me. I mean the questions I have since you’ve gone are just so big & consuming sometimes that I have somehow forced myself to live this strange almost shallow existence where only the small things matter. Because if I think too much or probe too deeply, I could fall apart.  But it’s only ever a scratch away, like a very fine layer of skin protecting a very very deep wound.

My first question is – what did you want? Or WHO did you want? 

My second question is – was it real?

My third question is – have you any idea what you’ve done to me? 

But to be fair those are ‘every day of my life’ kind of questions now for me, aren’t they?

Anyway….Christmas. 

I managed to have a reasonably nice day considering I had no Sadie & Noah. I collected them at 7pm & they were excited & happy and full of the joys that sack loads of presents will bring.  It got me to thinking….I don’t remember the last time i felt like I belonged anywhere. Even with Sadie & Noah’s dad I felt this sense of exclusion from that family. I always tried hard I feel, but there was a lack of something, something that I’ve never really found. And with you that continued but in a different sense.

I wonder if it was me? My gut tells me you were ashamed to be open with your family with our love story & the illicit beginning of it. When it all came out in the open you threw yourself into a life with me (or so I thought) but since you’ve gone I feel that I never lived up to your standards.  And beneath the grief of losing you lies a deeper rooted ache that I know will never leave me now. Worthlessness. I feel worthless. You secretly hankered after the life you left behind while still loving me…and I know you loved me…because you could not have kept up SUCH a pretence. But still I wasn’t quite good enough. 

That’s what I’ve been left with. And now you’ve gone, with all these questions hanging in the ether – unanswered & unable to be answered. Nobody ever quite knowing the full story & certainly I know your family don’t buy into how much we loved each other, because they only saw your negative moments.  And there were a great many positive moments & truths that have been buried in the rubble when you blew all our lives up. 

There are very few facts I have to cling onto. Firstly I do know you loved me. Even if you didn’t know if you could make a life with me, you loved me. I felt it. You said I was the love of your life.  It killed you to think of me with anyone else.  Secondly that I loved you as honestly & truthfully & wholly as a person could love. Thirdly, we had a connection. A true connection. Physically, emotionally…a connection that held us together even when we had to be apart. You gave me your tshirts to sleep in, we had our own language, sayings, little rituals. We had history & so much love that it bound us. 

I lit your candles last night & I begged you to come to me somehow & just make me feel secure in your love, for it to carry me through.  Instead I dreamt you were leaving me & wanted me out of your life.  What does that mean?  Was it an answer? Why would dreams be so cruel? 

I still want you to give me an answer of some kind. But if i keep dreaming that kind of dream should I take it as my answer.  Please Carl. 

I love you. 

Your girl always..even though you’ve destroyed the very heart & soul of me.

Caroline xxx 

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