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Dear Carl 

I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I’m ‘single’ again. What’s the word for someone who’s partner has died…you weren’t my husband, you weren’t legally bound to me. So what am I? One thing I feel with my heart & soul is, I’m still yours. 

I’m still your girl.

I’m the one who knows your quirks & sayings, who loved your goofy laugh and your hazel coloured eyes…the roughness of your hands and the feel of your shaved head under my palm. I’m the one who loved your joy at facetiming like you couldn’t get your head round technology and it drove you mad, but yet the quirks of it meant on nights we weren’t together you could still see me. 

Being someone’s partner isn’t just a word it’s a way of being & living. The other half of me, that’s what you were to me, you were the other side of the penny. You made sense of things for me & without you I’m just like….a scribble on a piece of paper. If you looked at it, amongst all the beautiful drawings around me, you’d just screw me up, put me in the bin. I feel pointless, like scrap. 

It’s hard to comprehend that someone I love so much still (and always) could cause me so much pain. You always said you’d never ever want to hurt me. But you’ve hurt me deeper & harder than anyone else & the wound stays raw and deep and sore, and salt is poured into it every day by watching people live their good happy life & wondering….what happened to me. Am I bad inside is this why? Am I everything I always feared, hopeless, worthless, meaningless? 

I wish you’d come to me in a dream & just speak to me. I need your voice and love more than I’ve ever needed anything, yet you stay away…you don’t visit me when I’m sleeping & tell me that one day I’ll heal or you’re watching over me. 

The uncertainty and the hurt is killing me. Or at least I hope it is. Is that wrong? 

I love you so much ❤ 

Your girl, still and always x

Caroline 

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