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Dear Carl 

I’m trying to figure out where my life is heading. It has no path now, other than being mum, and I know one day they won’t need me anymore & I don’t know who I will be then. I’ve got friends but they have their lives. My job. But it’s tainted forever now with its connection to you & the pain that brings. 

I have a heart full of such confusion, I blame myself then I blame others. Fleetingly I’ll feel like you’re still around & I have imaginary conversations with you in my head. I speak for you using words & phrases you used in the familiar way you did, making you real. I imagine you’re proud of me for the January running challenge. I imagine your laugh when I see something funny. I imagine the text messages I’d send you to make you smile. 

I can’t bear to think back to September the worst month of my life.  It was a nightmare from day 1. September will always scare me now. I’ll feel that same impending doom you did & the pain you left me with will just swell until I’m nothing but a walking mass of grief again. 

I just want my life back with you in it. I want the chance to change things. I want the love you gave me. I know it sounds selfish but I want you back all to myself. And I’ll never have you. I miss your touch & your voice in a way I can’t even describe. And everybody treats me normal now. They forget already. They’ve moved on & I’m stuck pretending I’m ok for everyone’s convenience, when I’m just not. I’ll never be ok. Ever. 

I love you so much & I wish I could tell you or you’d come to me in a dream & just tell me it’s ok. You forgive me?! I feel like I just let you die. 

Your girl still & always 

Caroline ❤