Dear Carl 

So yesterday marked 5 months since you left me. I don’t know when I stopped waiting for you to come back. To walk in the door, to ring me, text me….all the normal day to day communication we had. I don’t know when I stopped expecting it to carry on but somehow I have.  A friend told me that grief is like a piece of a jigsaw that doesn’t fit…well I imagine it like that old fashioned game of Sadie’s – the one you said you had at your dads I think. A wooden box with a maze and small silver ball bearings & you tilt the box until the ball bearing falls into the hole…but you have to manipulate the maze to do this…so you’re tilting left & right, up & down. You hit dead ends. You go in the wrong direction. But eventually in it drops.  There’s no prize at the end. There’s no satisfaction or sense of achievement for manipulating the maze. Only the sense of…ahh it’s over.. the ‘Acceptance’ phase is over – ✅  box ticked.

So what phase am I in now? I still cry most days. I still painfully miss you. Desperately sometimes, and those are the hard days. But a lot of days it’s a more of a dull ache in my heart that never leaves. I’m conscious of it, but I function. I smile, I function & make jokes at work..I make jokes with the kids. I speak to people about their lives & problems & give advice.  I hear you in my mind telling me how perceptive I am. How I could read you like a book, read people.  I know I could. I chose I think, to skip some of your chapters because I know I wouldn’t have liked the content.  I wouldn’t have liked knowing that my messy life made you doubt us. I wouldn’t have liked knowing that sometimes you ached to go back to your old life. But I knew anyway really. I think I always knew, deep down. I just chose to believe that I was enough. Or I could eventually be enough, to make you happy. 

So this phase is a different acceptance. A new life. A new chapter of a book I didn’t want to read. Remember, I told you that if I didn’t like a book within the first few days I’d bin it off.  Well that’s how I feel. It’s all so tough. I just want it to stop.

I’m very tired & I need to sleep but I want to revisit this…the stages of grief. I will do it next time. 

I still love you very much. I always will. 

Caroline xxx

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