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This poem represents Carl & I, how he felt before he died – all the unspoken words, and how I feel now he’s gone. I feel it’s an accurate depiction of how things were. It makes me sad reading it back because it is so accurate I feel. He loved me & I loved him but the illness was like an iceberg between us, of which I could only see what was above the water & not the huge spread beneath the surface.  

I still can’t believe he’s gone & I can’t save him now.

Depression – Two sides of the story 


I want an end to the spinning plates, 

the endless clock, 

time tick ticking my life away

With nothing changing…I just want it to stop,

I want to feel loved 

I want protection from cruel words spoken 

From outside fears,

I don’t want to be broken 

I want you to help me, 

Hear me speak, not just the words, 

Really listen and read my fears

I need so badly to be heard, 

It’s not just a threat

When I say I’m unwell I know it’s trying 

But I’m fading inside 

And I think I’m dying 

I can’t tell you it all

I’m scared you’ll leave if you know the truth

And I’m giving you signs 

But death is proof

I don’t feel enough 

You say I am but I can’t believe

I’m not good inside 

Will you please save me… 


I’d have taken your plates along with my own, 

I’d have stopped the clock

I’d have hidden the phone, 

I’d have fought with claws if someone hurt you, 

I’d have crawled through fire

How could I desert you?

I listened so hard, 

and I heard it all

And naively believed I could scale that wall, 

I know you mean it now

I can’t change the past 

But I thought we’d make it, I thought we’d last

You were always enough

My greatest love and my very best friend 

I wish I’d known we were near the end,

Your memory hurts 

But I’m still so proud 

I know you’re the other side of the clouds

I’m not angry, 

And I don’t blame you, 

Just believe, I tried so hard to save you 

So I’ve struggled with what I’ve got left to give 

And all I can offer, 

Is I’ll try to live