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I miss your face more than I could ever possibly put into words.  Writing here is emotionally time consuming so I don’t come here so often anymore but it’s not lack of care. It’s a lack of emotional capacity.  My heart & head are empty and there’s no room for anything anymore….being here, writing here…it brings those feelings back & they overflow too easily. 

I wonder frequently if you can see me.  I feel so worthless I imagine I’m no fun to watch so why would you.  I imagine you’re disgusted by my lack of organisation & how slovenly I’ve become.  Everything spilling out…nothing put away, & I face the world each day thrown together in a mishmash of dog muddied clothes & odd socks…picking through pans that need washing & papers that need sorting.  I need to sort myself out because I fear this me that I am now will stay forever if I don’t kick her ass. 

But you aren’t here so it seems pointless. 

I miss you more if that’s possible because the simple memories are slowly fading.  I can’t quite recall certain intimacies at all times like I could.  But I can listen to your voice messages & you’ll be back in the room like you never left.  I don’t listen to them too often it isn’t healthy. When I do I feel lighter like you’re back – then you’ll suddenly be gone again & it hits me harder each time. So I must be careful. 

Love doesn’t die Carl I’ve proved it. I’m more in love with you than ever. Which doesn’t bode well for the rest of my life. In love with a ghost.

Always your girl. I believe you now.  It’s taken me a while to overcome everything else but inherently, I believe you.