I’m trying to figure out where my life is heading. It has no path now, other than being mum, and I know one day they won’t need me anymore & I don’t know who I will be then. I’ve got friends but they have their lives. My job. But it’s tainted forever now with its connection to you & the pain that brings.
I have a heart full of such confusion, I blame myself then I blame others. Fleetingly I’ll feel like you’re still around & I have imaginary conversations with you in my head. I speak for you using words & phrases you used in the familiar way you did, making you real. I imagine you’re proud of me for the January running challenge. I imagine your laugh when I see something funny. I imagine the text messages I’d send you to make you smile.
I can’t bear to think back to September the worst month of my life. It was a nightmare from day 1. September will always scare me now. I’ll feel that same impending doom you did & the pain you left me with will just swell until I’m nothing but a walking mass of grief again.
I just want my life back with you in it. I want the chance to change things. I want the love you gave me. I know it sounds selfish but I want you back all to myself. And I’ll never have you. I miss your touch & your voice in a way I can’t even describe. And everybody treats me normal now. They forget already. They’ve moved on & I’m stuck pretending I’m ok for everyone’s convenience, when I’m just not. I’ll never be ok. Ever.
I love you so much & I wish I could tell you or you’d come to me in a dream & just tell me it’s ok. You forgive me?! I feel like I just let you die.
Your girl still & always